L E I

"the key to happiness is acceptance"

It was a quote in a picture sended by my mum to our family group chat on whatsapp.

I was pondering at it, looking at my life in Paris.
Happiness. This word that felt like a distance to me.
I never really put it out there to let the world know but ''happiness'' felt so much distance from me few months back. Living alone in a foreign country with a language you totally do not speak is difficult. Really. Difficult. But I'm thankful for the people I met here. I can't imagine life without them. Sometimes you will realize the older you grow the harder to form true solid friendship with people. Maybe with my personality and being picky with friends, it makes things harder. But with time, it gets easier sometimes better.

"Acceptance"
It was like *bam* here you go Xin Lei.
Maybe you should start accepting where you are right now in life.
You are in Paris, France. Life may not be all sunshines and rainbows. But this is life. You are experiencing something. It may not be what you expect or what you want but you are walking step by step through the tunnel, keeping your faith in God and keep walking until you will see that light.

Life right now is better, much better than months before but I know I was still holding back a lot of things back in Malaysia. My life in Malaysia was different. I felt like I have lost myself because a lot of time I don't feel me. I wanted so badly how my life was like in Malaysia. Friends and Family, people I was so comfortable with. I realize I wasn't accepting the fact that things are not going to be the same. Things are different and you cant change them. But you can change you, yourself.

It's hard.
But I have to do it for myself.
To be happy once again.
Maybe in all this unfamiliarity, I felt like I have lost myself.
But the truth is I should find myself back again in all this.
Let go, stop holding on to the old life because the new will come.

xx





ps: It was good to have a week of break off school. Of course how I wish it was longer. Because I know I'm dragging myself to school tomorrow. I like what I'm doing. But I hate the lifestyle that comes with it. I get tired of it. I really do.