I have always been someone who is fearful in a lot of situation. I hate it a lot of times. For this, I always look up to people who are really confident. People who speak up for themselves, for their friends, even for strangers. I always wonder "how I wish I could be someone like that" People would say it's a choice. I hope it could be that easy. That fear inside of me is like a monster that is hovering over me. I can't really express how it feels in words.
Being fearful has play a big part in my life since young and I have to say it that I really dislike this part of me.
Sometimes I'm anxious in social occasions
Sometimes I'm anxious in asking help from a stranger
Sometimes I'm anxious in asking questions
Maybe, I think a lot which i know is unnecessary at all.
This brings me to say that thinking a lot is also a part of me.
But recently I have learn to stop thinking about one specific thing over and over again and I'm still learning. Learning to not let my thoughts control me.
Something happened over the past few days and it has been bothering me. I wont say much about it but basically it's a conflict. As a INFP aka a Healer, that's what i dislike the most. I hate conflicts, I hate arguments, I hate being pulled apart by two parties, I hate confrontations. I know I can't avoid them because they are a big part of life. I felt like I have been trying not to get involved thinking not to make things worst but I was wrong. It got worst. I told myself no matter what I need to at least give an explanation. I can feel that war of fear and courage is starting to build up in me. But this time courage won. The verse, '' the truth will set you free'' keep coming back to me. I hold that verse dearly because it always encourages me when I need courage to be honest or tell the truth. In the end I was manage to do what I felt was right.
Tbh, it felt like something has awake in me. The thing is after the winter break I have been feeling dead inside. Like seriously, dead. I got no motivation to do my work, I'm sick of staying in my room all the time. I got no where to go. My life have been just back and forth from home and school. It has been always been assignments. If people go around and ask my friends who talks to me, they know I'm always about my work. Yeah that's just life as a fashion student. Sometimes we get a small break from work but maybe few hours? or a day? Sleeping early is a luxury for us. I wonder sometimes if my choice to study fashion has causes me to lose myself or find my true self?
Anyways, back to the topic. Yes an awakening. Awake to my soul. like helllooooooooo wake up Xin Lei. You have this courage in you that needs to be awaken. I know I can be very confident at times but very fearful at times too. I'm glad it happened. At first I don't understand why would this happened. But I guess now I know why.
xx
ps: Before this, I have been trying not to put too many personal thoughts on here where anyone would see. But recently I have been expressing myself publicly and I think is an act of being true to yourself, to learn to accept who you really are and not afraid of what people may think.
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