L E I

*a little disclaimer before you read this*
this post is really personal, and if you don't like this kind of personal DFGH@#$^ you may not want to read this :) merci




I don't know since when I started to sop writing
and writing has been one of the way to put things out there
and help me to get my thoughts together
to help me to think CLEARLY
but at some point i've stopped.

No wait
I actually do write a bit this year but I stopped
I wrote but I stop posting it publicly on the blog

I guess the older you get
the more vulnerable you feel
talking about yourself and putting things out there

idk why
but i just can't bring myself write
to write
to express

so when I stopped writing
things in my head
gets kind of
messy
and
ugly


"where should I start?"
I always asked myself
things have been too much for me
too heavy
so heavy
that I have to put it aside every time and move on with life
because I really don't know where should I start

when I say, " move on with life"
I mean
life before was school  school    and school
it was just all about "I just need to get this over and done with"
my final collection
"ain't no time for this"

it was one of my
miserable    miserable      very miserable
time in my life
(at least for me)




I have depression
I start to have anxiety
maybe
I feel it
but I'm not sure

It just feels like I have stop being happy
I feel greyish
nor black nor white
just always in this bubble of being just "ok"
which sucks

maybe that's one of the reason why
I can't bring myself
to even feel great for my final collection
to feel great about myself

its hard
its like you are putting a mask
you meet people you smile, you laugh
but inside you is just     dead

I'm trying
trying to hold on to His promise
trying to have faith that
one day
all this going to be history

xx