As I'm currently writing this, the world is going through something that has never been before or maybe should I say in such level of craziness. There's a name for it, and it's called covid pandemic. I would name it covid war. 

As of today we have been going through this pandemic for one and a half year..some of us are doing just okay, some are still hanging on to whatever they could, some are barely surviving... Things doesn't seems to get better especially in this corner of the world, Malaysia. There's endless things to rant about..most of us would fall into this spiral of bad and negativity rants. Covid cases, new variants, politics, unemployment, poverty ....the list goes on. But I guess in all this darkness there's always light somewhere to give us hope. Isn't that what everyone is searching for in order to stay sane, to survive? 

I wonder if this would ever end. I wonder if there's a day where I could look back at this season of life and say "phew, thank God it ended" or maybe.. probably I would have to accept that things won't ever be the same again. There is a new normal that as human beings we would have to get used to.

This time round with the lock down it hasn't been easy I would admit. Mentally, emotionally...it has been quite difficult for me. Take one day at a time, that help me. Don't focus on the "what I have not done/ achieve today" but instead focus on the "I have done...today" Life is extra tough on us now so don't beat yourself up. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself- Matthew 6:34  

This is definitely not be the best time to do ldr but yeah I'm one of the ldr-ians lol just came out with my own idk what. It kind of struck me that me and mr pear will celebrate our 5 year anniversary next January. crazy isn't it? I look back and realize how much time we lost not able to spend with each other. Thankfully, we got to see each other few months back in January. It wasn't easy applying to exit the country failed twice before getting an approval on our third attempt. It was a good 5 weeks well spent. I wasn't sure how it will be sticking with each other 24/7 for 5 weeks straight but surprisingly we managed pretty well. I hope all the ldr-ians will hang it there till the day they get to reunite with their love ones. 

It's been quite a while since I posted anything here. I mean I am not even sure if anyone still blogs? But this place is still going to be a place where I write because after all this years I guess I still enjoy writing. There's a period of time where I felt vulnerable to write, to express, and put myself out there. I used to write about everything and looking back I cringe to some of the posts I wrote. I guess balance is the key to it. 

I would normally end the post with something like "let's all hope there will a light at the end of this tunnel" but this time maybe something different. 

 You are not alone in this, hang in there! xx

the guy that was a hero in his eyes



we decided to explore a garden just across the train station
before we board the train for Paris
since we have some time to spare.

we found a spot and sat down on the grass.
we talk
we made jokes

on our left was a glass bird cage
that we went to check it out just before
with some
colourful
interesting
birds

on our right
I saw a man,
he was probably eating his lunch.
beside him was a canvas with a few strokes of paint.
I think to myself. "he looks like he is an artist"

didn't went further into the guessing game.
I decided to lay down on the grass
we continue talking

"loud smash & shattered sound of glass*
I jumped up and went into his arm
as I turned my head to where the sound came from
the what I thought "an artist" walk behind us
from the glass bird cage.

the glass bird cage
is
shattered.

he grabbed his stuff, the canvas of course
and a crown that was made out of paper
(crowns that kids would get during parties)
he put it on his head
and walk off.
i saw the shadow of his back
his clothes are torn apart.

he told me,
the guy shouted "liberez-vous" when he smashed the glass cage
(which means free yourself in french)

i was in shock
but in the same time
i thought to myself

"
he may or may not be an artist
he may be someone living in the streets
he have been spending his time in the garden daily
and
he has seen the birds in the cage
he feels angry for the birds
and thinks that they should be free in the wild, nature..
he waited a long time to free the them
finally, this day comes.
he did it,
with a stone across the glass
and walk off with a crown on his head.


to alot of people, he may be out of his mind
but to him he is the hero of the day.

"


xx

*a little disclaimer before you read this*
this post is really personal, and if you don't like this kind of personal DFGH@#$^ you may not want to read this :) merci




I don't know since when I started to sop writing
and writing has been one of the way to put things out there
and help me to get my thoughts together
to help me to think CLEARLY
but at some point i've stopped.

No wait
I actually do write a bit this year but I stopped
I wrote but I stop posting it publicly on the blog

I guess the older you get
the more vulnerable you feel
talking about yourself and putting things out there

idk why
but i just can't bring myself write
to write
to express

so when I stopped writing
things in my head
gets kind of
messy
and
ugly


"where should I start?"
I always asked myself
things have been too much for me
too heavy
so heavy
that I have to put it aside every time and move on with life
because I really don't know where should I start

when I say, " move on with life"
I mean
life before was school  school    and school
it was just all about "I just need to get this over and done with"
my final collection
"ain't no time for this"

it was one of my
miserable    miserable      very miserable
time in my life
(at least for me)




I have depression
I start to have anxiety
maybe
I feel it
but I'm not sure

It just feels like I have stop being happy
I feel greyish
nor black nor white
just always in this bubble of being just "ok"
which sucks

maybe that's one of the reason why
I can't bring myself
to even feel great for my final collection
to feel great about myself

its hard
its like you are putting a mask
you meet people you smile, you laugh
but inside you is just     dead

I'm trying
trying to hold on to His promise
trying to have faith that
one day
all this going to be history

xx

God knows how long this feeling of losing motivation and inspiration have been lingering inside of me...I felt it. I knew something was not right. Later, I realized that I'm in a place where I loose myself. I became someone that I hated. But knowing all of this doesn't make things better. It feels like I'm walking in a same circle again and again. I know what I should do but I just don't get that push within myself to do it.

Tonight as I'm lying in my bed praying. "Love yourself first" this small voice just spoke to me.

Yes maybe that's what I have left behind..

xx

I met up with a good friend for lunch today before she goes back to Shanghai for good. I was reading a card she wrote to me just now and I was really touched by it. She has been an amazing friend. We met in church and I really believe it's God's grace that she has been put in my life in Paris. Because we goes to the the same fashion school ( but she graduated), we were taught by the same professors, we attend the same life group together. Since the first day we met, I remember she help me out with some problems because I just arrived in Paris . She's always very encouraging and giving me advice. It's always bittersweet when you have to say goodbye to a good friend. 

I guess in this point of life, I'm learning that people do come and go in life. Not people in general but friends whom you have met and sincere friendship that has actually been built. I admit since I came to Paris, I have been quite selective with who to make friends with but of course I'm still open to people generally. Because I know most of the people I meet here will eventually leave after a few months or maybe a year or two. Tbh I hate it. But I'm learning. still learning..... 

A little update about my life:

Life has been busy busy busy. I started my internship two weeks ago and it has been not an easy one but I know I'm getting on track. I was a little lost at first and wasn't really happy but things are getting better. I can finally understand what people said when the work world is really different than when you are in school. What I like about working is that you can just take a rest when you got home but when you are in school, work never ends even when you are home. But above all I'm really thankful to be able to get this post. I was so afraid that I won't be able to find one in Paris but God's faithfulness never fails!

Till next time

xx

 

"the key to happiness is acceptance"

It was a quote in a picture sended by my mum to our family group chat on whatsapp.

I was pondering at it, looking at my life in Paris.
Happiness. This word that felt like a distance to me.
I never really put it out there to let the world know but ''happiness'' felt so much distance from me few months back. Living alone in a foreign country with a language you totally do not speak is difficult. Really. Difficult. But I'm thankful for the people I met here. I can't imagine life without them. Sometimes you will realize the older you grow the harder to form true solid friendship with people. Maybe with my personality and being picky with friends, it makes things harder. But with time, it gets easier sometimes better.

"Acceptance"
It was like *bam* here you go Xin Lei.
Maybe you should start accepting where you are right now in life.
You are in Paris, France. Life may not be all sunshines and rainbows. But this is life. You are experiencing something. It may not be what you expect or what you want but you are walking step by step through the tunnel, keeping your faith in God and keep walking until you will see that light.

Life right now is better, much better than months before but I know I was still holding back a lot of things back in Malaysia. My life in Malaysia was different. I felt like I have lost myself because a lot of time I don't feel me. I wanted so badly how my life was like in Malaysia. Friends and Family, people I was so comfortable with. I realize I wasn't accepting the fact that things are not going to be the same. Things are different and you cant change them. But you can change you, yourself.

It's hard.
But I have to do it for myself.
To be happy once again.
Maybe in all this unfamiliarity, I felt like I have lost myself.
But the truth is I should find myself back again in all this.
Let go, stop holding on to the old life because the new will come.

xx





ps: It was good to have a week of break off school. Of course how I wish it was longer. Because I know I'm dragging myself to school tomorrow. I like what I'm doing. But I hate the lifestyle that comes with it. I get tired of it. I really do.

Sometimes bad things happen for the better'

I have always been someone who is fearful in a lot of situation. I hate it a lot of times. For this, I always look up to people who are really confident. People who speak up for themselves, for their friends, even for strangers. I always wonder "how I wish I could be someone like that" People would say it's a choice. I hope it could be that easy. That fear inside of me is like a monster that is hovering over me. I can't really express how it feels in words.

Being fearful has play a big part in my life since young and I have to say it that I really dislike this part of me.

Sometimes I'm anxious in social occasions 

Sometimes I'm anxious in asking help from a stranger

Sometimes I'm anxious in asking questions

Maybe, I think a lot which i know is unnecessary  at all. 

This brings me to say that thinking a lot is also a part of me.

But recently I have learn to stop thinking about one specific thing over and over again and I'm still learning. Learning to not let my thoughts control me.

Something happened over the past few days and it has been bothering me. I wont say much about it but basically it's a conflict. As a INFP aka a Healer, that's what i dislike the most. I hate conflicts, I hate arguments, I hate being pulled apart by two parties, I hate confrontations. I know I can't avoid them because they are a big part of life. I felt like I have been trying not to get involved thinking not to make things worst but I was wrong. It got worst. I told myself no matter what I need to at least give an explanation. I can feel that war of fear and courage is starting to build up in me. But this time courage won. The verse, '' the truth will set you free'' keep coming back to me. I hold that verse dearly because it always encourages me when I need courage to be honest or tell the truth. In the end I was manage to do what I felt was right. 

Tbh, it felt like something has awake in me. The thing is after the winter break I have been feeling dead inside. Like seriously, dead. I got no motivation to do my work, I'm sick of staying in my room all the time. I got no where to go. My life have been just back and forth from home and school. It has been always been assignments. If people go around and ask my friends who talks to me, they know I'm always about my work. Yeah that's just life as a fashion student. Sometimes we get a small break from work but maybe few hours? or a day? Sleeping early is a luxury for us. I wonder sometimes if my choice to study fashion has causes me to lose myself or find my true self? 

Anyways, back to the topic. Yes an awakening. Awake to my soul. like helllooooooooo wake up Xin Lei. You have this courage in you that needs to be awaken. I know I can be very confident at times but very fearful at times too. I'm glad it happened. At first I don't understand why would this  happened. But I guess now I know why. 

xx

ps: Before this, I have been trying not to put too many personal thoughts on here where anyone would see. But recently I have been expressing myself publicly and I think is an act of being true to yourself, to learn to accept who you really are and not afraid of what people may think.